Fictional Character

Seemingly my brain can’t differentiate 
From you and someone who is real.
And in some way that can correlate 
With determining how dismal I feel.

The things that I can not experience
I'm able to experience with you. 
And I’ve never felt so adventurous
Through fabricated, ephemeral view.

I am glad when I read about your pain.
Am I some sort of sleep-deprived sadist?
Because you are the person that I blame
For all the sad, slow songs on my playlist.

But when I come to the acknowledgments 
And the story has reached its conclusion.
No chapters remaining in the contents
I realize it's just an illusion.

You’ll just be in my imagination.
Because you're only an illustration.

Dear ‘Best Friend’

How am I supposed to stop
Being enamored by you?
Can’t we lay on your rooftop
Hold hands and take in the view?

And secretly I desire
With every genial touch
That you're just a liar
And really love me much

Will I manage to explain
That I can’t bear rejection
As well as the burning pain
Of needing your affection

But I will remain quiet
And listen well as you speak
Even though my feelings riot
And boldly threaten to leak

And even if it’s silly
That I fell in love so soon
wasn't involuntarily
It's really just picayune



Unrequited Crush

I am sick of falling for
Someone who’s only a friend
And it makes my lone heart sore
Knowing it’s just a dead end

If i ever try to confess
My heart consuming crush
It would result in a mess
And woefully make me blush

And i was covetous
To ever even believe
That it was lustfulness
Not simply dumb intrigue

i never thought i would again
especially not with someone 
who is my best friend



Deja Vu

you make me not want to be alone
although i used to reside in solitude
now i breath in the scent of your cologne
and wonder if my feelings should be pursued

and with every small sign 
that you’d be willing to fall in love too
it gets harder to confine
this crush that gives me deja vu



Begging

Please don’t say you adore me
Causing me to fall in love
You make me smile so warmly
Which I’m atypical of

Please do not go and kiss me
When I’m in utter despair
You make me feel so drowsy 
Running fingers through my hair

Please don't fill my thoughts at night
wishing I could be the one
I want you so much despite
Knowing that it can’t be done

And please, my love
Please darling just know
It’s not that I don’t want to hug
I just won’t want to ever let go



Realization

What did I do to you to deserve
Being sadly strung along so far
Will you ever muster up the nerve
To say I’m more than a reservoir

You always cause me to grin brightly
When you want to hold me so tightly
You know I did not take it lightly
When you asked to kiss me politely

Darling, if I was the only one
And It wasn’t doomed before it begun
I could’ve sincerely loved you a ton
And kept my heart from coming undone

I shouldn’t even give you one more thought
But this continuous, rife onslaught
Is a sharp pain I wish I forgot
Maybe then I wouldn’t be so distraught



Giving Up

It’s not that easy, it seems
To sleep without having dreams
Of you and her together.
Truly thought I was better.
While we were laying in bed
Did you mean it when you said
That I'm really perfect?
Didn’t know it’d have this effect.

You see I can’t fall asleep
Cause you aren’t mine to keep
It is really not fair
To kindly say that you care
Then gravely leave me lonely.
And so now you can’t hold me.
If we don’t mimic lovers
I can go and love others.

Cause Sweetie, Dear, Honey, Love
I honestly might kind of
Detest how I was treated 
Won’t let it be repeated
Was the most comfy I’ve been
With just one single person
You two can be more than friends
And I guess that’s how this ends 



Prom, The Deciding Event

God, I hate that you’re together.
Can’t help but feel under the weather.
Don’t you know it kills me whenever
You say that she’s your only treasure
And that I’m actually lesser?
Even though we both derived pleasure
From our sweet, serene days of leisure 
I promise that it’s for the better.
Don’t you know that I had to tell her?
It was really too much pressure
To think I once saw you as clever.

But in the end it will be alright.
I've totally given up the fight.
Like always, I will remain polite.
Although I don’t take any delight
In the distressing, gut-wrenching sight
Of you and her slow dancing tonight.
And, truly, I know it wouldn’t be right
To approach you and try to recite
My raw, intimate feelings despite
You being my sole comfort and light
And the only reason I smile bright.

Once again I'm going to submit.
It’s now out and official, I quit.
Cause you never wanted to commit.
We are not yours to attempt to split.
Doesn’t matter if I go throw a fit.
Although, I’ll have to sadly admit
that I did adore you quite a bit
Otherwise wouldn’t be writing this shit,
Or let you put your hand on my tit,
And be so willing to share your spit.
Still, before school, together, we’ll sit

I am upset that things have now changed
When this new dynamic was arranged.
Didn’t know I'd be dismally estranged.
Though I sort of feel insane, deranged
To stupidly think what we’d exchanged
Would still be calmly unchanged, maintained
If “just friends” were no longer engaged
In what you delicately explained
As “genial touch”. I am enraged
That because I fully disengaged
I, your “friend”, was hurtfully disclaimed.

He'll Never Know

Did you not know that I loved you, [REDACTED]?
As someone who’s much more than just a friend
And even now, to this day, I pretend
That I actually did not depend
On happiness from the sweet days we’d spend
Together at the events we’d attend
I didn’t ever actually intend
To be stuck on you and not comprehend
That you didn’t ever really extend
The same love. Now I can never amend
The years that I wasted failing to send
A message you would reject in the end

Can’t help but experience this utter dismay
That you packed up and left, moved away
God, how I wish you could just stay
Maybe if you did I’d actually be okay
And not feel like my perspective was now gray
Sometimes I think about that day
When you visited that little cafe
Where I worked. In my head I will replay
The moment that played out like a cliche
When I went to greet you, tripped on the doorway
Fell into your arms, it was an awkward display

Oh, how I despised the jealous feeling 
To see the other girls who were stealing
Your attention, then I would be third-wheeling
But even then that was so appealing
Because at least I was still receiving
Some of your care, although it’s misleading
Truthfully, I doubt I’ll finish healing
Occasionally find myself dreaming
That we’re together, the thought is pleasing
What-ifs in my silly brain repeating
Wonder why it wasn’t me ‘til I’m weeping
I can’t remember you without screaming
And I know it would be so damn freeing
To be able to stop fucking grieving



Remembered

I often wonder, do you still care
Do you actually regret it?
I know that you’re not unaware
Sometimes I wish we could forget it
Only thing I remember, I swear
But honestly now I bet that it
Is broken beyond any repair
Honestly I don’t want you to sweat it
Just wanna keep laying flowers in your hair



Crushed Hope

Wanting, wishing, dreaming, longing
For someone who would love me right
To feel that sense of belonging
And for someone to hold me tight

You seem innocent, so perfect
An atypical stroke of luck
Even though some people suspect
That you might actually suck

And your joke was hilarious
It’s so, so funny being used
Now I vow to be contrarious
Cause I don’t like being abused

How can you say that you like me
When you aren’t gonna extend
Any feeling past what might be
More than what you feel for a friend

Just another guy that I kissed
Thinking it actually meant something
Somehow I must have missed
That is really only meant nothing

God, I’m such a stupid bitch
Completely delusional and blind
You broke my heart which
Had previously already been declined

You filled me with foolish hope
Something I haven’t had in a while
Thought I’d get to have my love trope
Cause I saw I made you smile

Enemy To Me

What exactly are you sorry for??
I was special, you sincerely swore.
Became your personal little whore
Because I wanted something much more.
Doing some things I hadn’t done before
With you. Stupid fucking sophomore,
You won’t get to touch me anymore.

You’re sorry for fucking my year?
Initially thought you were sincere
But things are never as they appear.
Now it is completely crystal clear
The lasting effect will be severe.
Do me a favor and disappear.
This is not your place to interfere.

Are you sorry for making me bawl?
Though you made me minuscule, small
In reality I’m fucking tall
And probably have won in a brawl.
Should have thrown you through the fucking wall
But instead held your hand in the hall.
You’re not gonna be my downfall.

Life's Work

Painfully tearing my true self apart
Vomiting agonizing self hatred
But really deep down in my own heart 
I despise this monster I’ve created

My natural body is not enough
Attempts to change don’t ever satisfy
Doesn’t matter whether i’m skinny or buff
Wish I had been born as a dragonfly

Could of actually enjoyed my life
And not obsess over my appearance
Instead of cutting myself with a knife
Might of really impressed my parents

Equally scared to be starving again
As I am to be ugly forever 
Can’t I please be completely sure of when
This is going to be fine and better

Maybe cause of my people pleasing ways
I have this ridiculous obsession
With getting any compliments and praise
And receiving this craved affection 

I know it is utterly exhausting 
To be unnecessarily consumed
In something that’s undoubtedly costing 
My own happiness and making me doomed

My broken heart is on the bathroom floor
Covered in my own self-produced vomit
My mind is in a constant bloody war
And my life’s work is hung in the closet 

It’s idiotic that I’m starving to death 
Because my stomach slightly protrudes
Never am I concerned for my own health
Never able to enjoy any foods

How am I supposed to survive
With a deadly disease rotting my brain
Who will be there to revive
Me after i can no longer take the pain

Can someone please save me
I can no longer do this alone
I need my hero to guarantee
I’ll be okay and take me home



Today Is

Today's the last day I’ll eat
I’d feel much better starved
Maybe i’ll feel more complete
After my skins been cut, carved

The last day to disappoint
I’ll be healed for my mother
And I’ve gotta prove a point
By outdoing my brother

Today's the last day I’ll purge
With dirty fingers shoved down
If I ever get the urge
I’ll make sure that I rebound

Tomorrow I’ll be all new
Won't be bleeding everywhere
like I can become renewed
Like I’m not in disrepair

It’ll be a new beginning
When the weights finally gone
My bloody thighs are stinging
While waiting on the rising sun 

Tomorrow my food’ll stay down
There won’t be any more blood
My dead body won’t be found
Cause I’ll finally feel loved

Each days gonna be the last
It never really is
Tomorrows gonna contrast
Like I can be washed of my sins

Today's the last day I’ll live
I’ve lost hope in tomorrow
Don’t think I can fucking survive
Bearing all of this sorrow



Cut Through

Please, I need you desperately
Please, stay here indefinitely
Never just temporarily
I’ll say it’s just preferably
Insane when we’re separately
And i'm lonely, definitely 

I'm begging, please don’t ever leave
Cause when I become upset, grieve
My chest begins to heave, can't breathe
It’s something that you can relieve
Comforts what I wanna receive
Don’t want you to badly perceive 

I love looking into your eyes
They're like bright blue, beautiful skies
I know that i’ve ruined my own thighs
And sometimes cry over my size
But with you time finally flies
So I despise saying goodbyes

Hate that you might not feel the same
And it would fill me up with shame
If only my heart is aflame
So I punish myself with pain
It’s a dumb problem in my brain
And i’m the only one to blame

You don’t deserve to deal with this
You deserve a sweet love that’s bliss
And not always awry, amiss
Because I can’t even resist
The urge to cut after we kiss
So my legs are littered with slits

Now I wish I could press undo
And be able to start brand new
I won't let these emotions brew
Or, worse, take them all out on you
Have another way to make do
So that my pure skin isn't cut through

If you don’t requite I get it
Though I doubt you’ll ever admit
If you only love me a bit
I’m sorry i’m so desperate
Cause my thighs are already slit
But for you I’m willing to quit

Waiting For What

God, I wish that I didn't even care
So that I wouldn’t have this awful pain 
Like for days my body’s been out of air
And only you can make me breathe again
Of this you’ll never even be aware
Cause I don’t want you to think I'm insane 

I can’t rely on our interactions
To be the only time I feel alright
Towards me you might feel some attraction
Towards you I feel petrifying fright
Cause I have a horrible reaction
The second that you’re go out of my sight

I wish you’re hands could never leave my skin
Cause I hate when you have to pull away
It’s sad that the second that you come in
It completely fixes my shitty day
And I can’t help but pitifully grin
When I know you’re finally on the way

Wide Open

I think I really always knew
That something not good was going on
I had stupidly blocked my own view
So that I couldn’t see what was wrong
Now there’s way to really renew
What’s fully destroyed and is gone
Cause you dated the other girls too
To you I’m just a game, a fucking pawn

And I was really very scared
For you to know about my own cuts
You said that you definitely cared
But it felt like a stab to the guts
When my horrific secrets were shared
You told them I was really nuts
And our breakup wasn’t ever declared
Cause I’d commit if It’s discussed

Maybe did wanna commit and die
I wanted to cut my own fucking wrists
When I’d wait and get no reply
Cause you being on time doesn’t exist
And you’d make me go insane and cry
Now I know that what you say consists
Of nothing but more deceit and lies
Knife in my chest continues to twist

I wish I wasn’t so fucking gullible
I thought I already knew better
To think that I could be lovable
That someone could love me forever
Thought our problems were discussable
I even thought that you were clever
Now I just feel inconsolable 
And like I need a brain resetter

Hiatt, I gave you a piece of me
That’s fragile and easily broken
With just one weak and pitiful plea
That you would be there with devotion
Stupidly thought that you would agree
But I must have somehow misspoken
Because you told them I was crazy
And that fucking ripped my heart wide open

Two Years Gone By

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder
If we listen to one of our songs
At the same time sitting under 
The same stars remembering our wrongs

I know that you still think about me too
Because you’re stalking my socials
Did you know that I still think about you?
And wish that’d i’d just been more vocal

But i guess it just wasn’t meant to be
But if you had been better
It woulda been like love from a movie
But only if you could forget her

I don't think you really know the impact
What you did had on my brain
My hearts no longer intact
And I feel like I've gone insane 

I guess I’m supposed to move on
It was two fucking years ago now
Is it too late now to finally respond
To your last message, 

Clicked

With you I feel comfortable 
And like I can finally breathe
I can be this vulnerable 
Without being scared that you’ll leave

With you I just can’t stop staring
Your face is almost too perfect
We have one heart that we’re sharing
Cause we immediately clicked

With you I’m perfectly content
When we’re just sitting together
I can just breath in your sweet scent
And feel infinitely better

With you I’ve fallen so in love
For many amazing reasons
Were a perfect fit like a glove
My love for you only deepens

Fuel For Destruction

My battered mind’s falling apart
Sharp shards replace my fragile heart
Bloody cuts on pale skin, like art
Each batch makes the timer restart

Since I’m alone with just my thoughts
Feel my soul tie itself in knots
Tears run as thick as the blood clots
My misery’s grown old, it rots

Daily pleasures now distractions
My nerves and mind make transactions
So the pain’s only a fraction
And I just feel satisfaction

Like quenching of thirst after hours
Pain blossoms, resembling flowers
Agony cleansed, dirt in showers
By tomorrow the feeling sours

His love is now a memory
Was only just a friend to me
Now, for safety, an enemy
Dire reminders, maybe every

For him, my broken heart still aches
Even though he caused all the breaks
My tears could fill up entire lakes
From desire for him, my hand shakes

The smooth skin that he touched is gone
Now it has all been cut upon
My sanity depended on
If still remained his dumb pawn

I lay still and watch the blood pool
Finally feel the anguish cool
My mind is extremely cruel
Cause it craves this feeling like fuel

People Pleasing

Feel this constant need to somehow change
How I am isn’t ever accepted 
With every single social exchange
Their personalities reflected
Like im a character on a stage
So I don’t get left or rejected
Because I’m just too awfully strange
My authentic self is neglected

My fragile souls been shattered to shards
Each one for a different person
It’s how my sick, broken body guards
Itself from more harsh pain and hurtin’ 
Without really any regards
To how it’ll harm me and then worsen
My own self understanding. the scars 
Divide each individual portion

I’ve destroyed myself completely
Just to attempt to maybe appease 
Every friend or people who meet me
Never not able to people please
Unable to be myself freely
Wish I could be me with guarantees
That no one will ever go leave me
And I wish I could just be at ease
with myself and feel so serenely 



For My Husband

They can’t even be fucking real
Part of my imagination
Cause they’re perfectly ideal
Without any indication
That they’ll end up making me feel
Like I did in past relations 
Their affection is ideal
They’re great at communication

I could lay in their arms so calm
Feel their perfect chest rise and fall
Only then does nothing feel wrong 
They makes me finally feel small
Have to tilt my head to look upon
Them because they’re perfectly tall
And I could write a hundred songs 
We could talk forever on call

I can’t explain how much i like
Gazing into their sweet, blue eyes
Their soft gaze makes my heart rate spike
Only makes my affection rise
And we are really alike
With Sammy time finally flies
There’s nothing I even dislike
They’re different than other guys

My heart aches for their strong embrace
When we’re not together, apart 
I look up at their perfect face
That looks like a masterpiece art
And when our hands are interlaced 
The rapid beating of my heart
Which feels like I’m floating in space
My affections are off the chart

Six and a Half Days

No, I've never been this alone
In this hospital on the floor
Can call my friends up on the phone 
But they only knew me before
To them it’s completely unknown
I don’t wanna live anymore
Because I cut down to the bone
They won’t let me leave out the door

Windows but I can’t see the sky
Up there where I am gonna go
When the attempt works and I die
Or maybe some flowers will grow
Out of my rotting corpse and I
Will look like a painted van gogh
When I’m outside my tears will dry
Finally and my heart will slow

Can just see the roof and a bird
Laying deceased on the cement
I know it’s dead cause it hasn’t stirred
The week here without my consent
I’m jealous of what has occurred
That the bird got to die and went
To what’s actually preferred
Getting to escape this torment